Minnesota and Mwaiseni

Some of my avid readers might remember my well after the fact blog about the Hands USA Family Reunion last year. It was only 11 weeks after the fact... This year is slightly better at seven weeks!

George's US tour schedule is always jam packed, but this year was especially exciting! Last year we focused on getting all the advocates together: from people who had been to Africa as long as 6 years ago to me (at the time) only six months ago! This year there were multiple events,some big and some small. People I met in Wisconsin last year went to various events, and other people that missed last year were able to make it to events this year. (Maybe this is always the case, but this is the first year I was really aware of everything that was going on and who was going to be where) There was a big event in San Francisco that I didn't attend, but I heard was a blast! There were other events that were smaller, but still filled the hearts of those in attendance.

This year I opted to go to Minnesota. When I considered my options, and events I'll discuss later, it made the most sense. I flew from Pittsburgh...

Franco Harris and George Washington hanging out at the Pittsburgh airport, obviously.

A cloudy day flying out of Pittsburgh...

And I landed in Chicago...

Flew from Chicago to Minneapolis....
Once I landed in Minneapolis it was time to find George! 

We had a few hours before our final flight to Hibbing....

Finally we landed in Hibbing and Brooke met us at the airport. George was in the country for about three weeks, but my time with him was just a short weekend. George and I stayed at Jed's grandmother's house. What a sweet lady! Our weekend was busy! We arrived late Friday evening and after catching up with Brooke, Jed, Wally, Pam and Pat, we were able to get a good nights rest. Saturday morning we had breakfast with local pastors. It's always interesting to meet new people! After breakfast, Wally took us on a quick tour of Hibbing and to the pit (from iron mining.)

It looked something like this:

Pam, me, Jed, George and Wally at the pit!

After our brief tour of Hibbing, Jed and George went to an evening church service where George was speaking. Brooke and I stopped to get a few things for our dinner that night and then went to her parent's house for the afternoon. It was beautiful! The leaves were turning, but the weather was perfect and the sky was so blue! There was a bald eagle flying overhead. Brooke's mom, Gina, suggested we have a fire in the backyard. I also got to meet Brooke's sister Kim, her boys, and, of course, the family dogs! Then we helped get everything packed for our dinner that would raise support for Chisamba and Mwaiseni.

We weren't sure how many people would actually be at the dinner, which always makes things interesting. We set up a few tables, got everything situated in the kitchen, and Brooke's parents worked on making Nshima. We also had Chakalaka and Ifisashi.

Brooke and I took over the Nshima, until Jed came and we happily passed the baton.

Chakalaka(the red stuff), Ifisashi(the green stuff) and Nshima(the white stuff): yum!

It was a great night of food and fellowship. George spoke to us and really challenged everyone. I'm not sure you can ever become immune to the realities of life in Africa. Jed and Brooke also spoke. It was really encouraging just to experience that: to see people that were meeting George for the first time. People that were immediately responsive to the call to help the needy and had so many questions about Hands. After cleaning up, Wally took us on a late night tour of Hibbing - because we had to drive past Bob Dylan's house!

The next morning we prepared for church, where George would be speaking again. One thing that Hands has made me appreciate is all of the different ways people worship God. From churches I've personally chosen to attend, churches we get rides to during orientation, churches I've attended in a rural African community...big, small, modern, traditional: I just can't get over churches! (in a good way) Last year the tour took me to Grace Church in Racine, WI, which I remember being a large church; this year the tour brought me to Abundant Life Church in Hibbing, MN, which was a very intimate church. When I saw the outside of the church I was not expecting what would greet me on the inside of the church. Churches always keep me guessing, and that's good! (Side note: I think what gets me is seeing so many different manifestations of the church, and I can say honestly that they were all good, welcoming experiences, I'm amazed (yet not surprised) that the church still has the negative connotation in society that it does.) Abundant Life had been in the midst of their mission week, and we were greeted by a congregation that was eager to be challenged and to accept the challenge. NCU's One Accord was there leading worship. There was so much energy and so much joy in that service! After that we all ate a quick lunch before hitting the road to drive to Minneapolis. We listened to the Vikings lose. (The Steelers also lost that weekend.) We eventually made it to Jed and Brooke's apartment. Minneapolis was so different that what I expected! Everything in Pittsburgh is so close together, but Minneapolis is comparatively spread out! I'd love to go back and really explore the city, but at the time I was only there for a few hours. I was leaving my brief time with George and the tour, and Lisa and Bryan from Calgary just landed to join in on the next events. I think this really speaks to who Hands is. We don't have to do it all. We do what we are called, when we are called. If and when we are called to a new season, there is someone else who will be willing and ready to step in. As I become more involved with the US office and 'see' people transition in and out from the HUB, it continues to impress me.

My time in Minnesota was such a joy. Of course it was great to just be there. In Africa, our ministry centers around Holy Home Visits and community stays. You visit someone in their home, know their names and know their story. There is power in being known. It changes us. This was a community stay of sorts, although it was different than being in Africa. I met Jed and Brooke's family members, saw where they grew up and saw why they are the people they are. Their families are amazing! For instance, Jed's grandmother has a family tree with all of her offspring and there are around 100 people! It's just truly amazing! I saw a bit clearer how their families were doing amazing things before Jed and Brooke went to Africa, in many ways laying the foundation for them to do what they are doing now. 

Maybe stories are easier to discern in someone else's life. Last night I got to chat with Suzette in California. We met in Zambia over a year and a half ago and haven't seen each other in person since! She's gotten involved in Teams, while I'm working with the Communications team. We've been on various skype calls with each other, but it was so nice just to talk, without considering projects or deadlines. Suzette and her husband Abe have really been amazing additions to the Hands US family. I so enjoyed my time in Minnesota, but I am SO excited to see what the next year holds for the Hands US advocates and the Hands international family as a whole.

It's Thanksgiving (well, American Thanksgiving) and I am so thankful for so many things: family, friends, Hands family, supportive listeners, kind hugs, for my father being in heaven and my Father in heaven, lessons learned, 'Africa sprinkles', reminders, kingdom culture, and...

...that I'm going back to Zambia,

to Mwaiseni!, to see all of these faces again!!!

I briefly referenced my work with the communications team. Living in Africa certainly comes with its own set of challenges, but living in America after living in Africa with the Hands community can be rough. Lonely. Isolating. Hard. Especially here on the east coast. In terms of Hands family its me, myself and I. Anytime I get an invite for a Hands skype call I am ready and waiting! Last spring the Hands US office began working to re-form a US Communications team. It was put on hold for a few months this summer, and then revisited in the months prior to George's US tour. It was really exciting and challenging. Working on projects with people you never actually see in person is interesting. One of the things about ministry is sometimes there are people with gifts and talents that can be utilized for the good of the ministry, but other times God qualifies the called. Like me: I do have a basic background in managing facebook pages from work, but those responsibilities were officially transferred to our marketing person a couple years ago. I don't know how to create videos, or how to manipulate websites. But I have been able to maintain friendships with people serving on the Communications team at the HUB. We'll see how things unfold in the coming months. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm anxious to find out!

What I do know is that I'm heading back to South Africa AND Zambia in May!!! I am so blessed and so grateful to be going back! Sometimes I worry that I'll forget the things I've learned and seen. I was in church two weeks ago and had this immense need to immediately name all of the communities I visited while in Africa.  Remembering Zambia and the Kitwe SC communities was easy, thinking back to orientation and the Bushbuckridge and Clau Clau SC communities...not quite as easy. I don't want to forget their names or their stories! Being able to go back will keep things fresh. People who have bought in to Hands have the same heart, but their hearts can break for different communities for different reasons. Just like I can name all of the Kitwe SC CBOs, others can name to Malawi CBOs or Zimbabwe CBOs or the Nigeria CBOs. We are really so much stronger together! I can't save all the orphans, but I can save one. If everyone saves one, we can save them all!

It was a pretty uneventful year here on my blog, I've gotten out of the habit of writing. I'm hoping to make a more consistent effort in the upcoming year. Especially to keep you all updated on my return to Mwaiseni and the amazing work that is going on in all of our communities in Africa!

The Starfish Story: Why bother?

A friend shared this photo on facebook, it was originally posted by Casey Jamerson here.
It's just so appropriate so I had to share it here too.

Is that great or is that great? In our society there seems to be an epidemic of self-fulfilling prophecy. "[I'm] going to fail anyway, so I'll just accept defeat now." "I'll never lose weight so I might as well enjoy dessert." "I'll always be in debt anyway, so what's $____ more?" Some people apply this to aiding those who are less fortunate (or at least 'less fortunate' by the standards of westernized society): Why bother fighting a battle that is doomed to fail?

A Suicide Mission. That's what we're on. We are dying to self every day. Self is all about self. Selfish, self-centered and self-dependent. Self self self. "I don't need anyone else because I can do it myself.""I am the only one who can make it happen.""I control my own destiny." We have been trained to look out for 'number one', to be distrusting of others, and if we want to make it we need to be fiercely independent. We've been taught that vulnerability is weakness, and that showing emotion just gives the 'other guy' the competitive edge. How thick can we be?

Every day 29,000 children die in Africa. I can't save them all. But I can save one, or a few. I might not make a difference in the world, but I can make a difference for that one. We're told we control our own destiny but if I was in their shoes: an orphan with no hope due to factors beyond my control, I'd want someone to make the difference for me. A few years ago I was on a trip to New Orleans, post Katrina. I heard people comment that "this wouldn't happen to me; I have insurance." But the truth is, those people did have insurance. Katrina was ruled a natural disaster, so insurance wasn't obligated to pay. We don't like to imagine ourselves as vulnerable. We avoid it at all costs. How many times do you really consider the needs of those around you? How many times to do you really put yourself in someone else's shoes? When your wait time at the pharmacy is longer than normal, do you realize it's because an elderly patient was just released from the hospital with a new prescription regimen? When you're in a hurry at the grocery store impatiently waiting in line, do you ever think about the mother in front of you who is trying to run errands and still get home in time to get the kids off the school bus? When your expectations aren't met, do you ever think that the person who let you down is dealing with immense hurt or loss and is solely focused on making it through the day? Instead of thinking of 'self self self ' think of someone else first. If your family member was just released from the hospital, you would want their new blood thinner/stroke prevention/antibiotic/pain medication to be the priority. If you were in a hurry, someone letting you go ahead in line would make your day. If you were the one struggling, a patient friend can make things so much easier to deal with.  I challenge you to deny self. Be the difference. Ask someone how they are - and really mean it; listen to their answer. Let someone go ahead of you in the checkout line (or in traffic!) and do it sincerely - not begrudgingly! Or sponsor a child.

I cannot change the world; but I can change the world for that child.

My Dad; A Truck and A Chicken

It has been a whirlwind summer. Literally, and not in an enjoyable way. That might be putting it mildly. It was more like a hurricane. On July 10th my dad died of a massive heart attack. The extended Hands family was amazing, and I was flooded with messages and emails of prayers and well wishes from literally all over the world. What a blessing! There were many I did not respond to, but I did read every single one - they were a light in those very dark days!

I remember at some point after my father's death, I was driving and I got into the traffic pattern behind a large truck. It was carrying Tru Moo if you're curious. It was really quite large, and it blocked any view of the traffic lights. I was unable to see anything in front of me! For the duration of the drive, I simply moved forward in faith. Trusting that the truck was obeying traffic laws and that I would also be obeying laws by following it. That I wouldn't run any lights, or get into any accidents because I couldn't see where I was going - I could only see the truck! I remember thinking at the time how that was the example of my life at that very moment. Dealing with grief and facing the unknown, I could not see the destination that lay ahead. I could only see the  most immediate things at hand. My life was following the proverbial truck.

A few weeks following my father's death, I was taking care of a friend's chickens. They all stay in a coop and fenced in yard. All except for two hens. Somehow they were resourceful enough to find a way to jailbreak the fence. For the first half of my watch they were on their best behavior and staying cooped up with the other chickens, but later they became restless. One night I was walking to the chicken coop after dark, to make sure everyone was in and ready for bed. As I got closer I saw something odd on the grape arbor. When I was even closer, I realized it was two hens! They had escaped their safe environment to explore the unbeaten path, so to speak. I imagine they spent hours enjoying their freedom and foraging in the extensive backyard. But in the evening they went to the grape arbor to wait for me to return them to the coop with the others and give them a snack before bed. This routine went on for the rest of my watch. Every evening I would walk to the coop to make sure everyone was accounted for, and the two hens would be hiding together on the grape arbor waiting for me. One night I even initially walked past them and they began clucking and making a fuss as to get my attention. I thought they were foolish for getting out, but intelligent for coming back. We are so like those chickens though! We know what we are allowed to do, where we are allowed to go, and how we should be acting, but what lies on the other side of the fence seems so much better! And God is the ultimate, always patient care-taker. He is always there waiting for us to come back from our adventures, even when we've done things we shouldn't have or gone to places we shouldn't have been. What a blessing to know that!

Mind. Blown.

In the hustle and bustle of life, with everyone asking where I'm going and what I'm doing; where most people are doing their darndest to 'keep up with the Joneses', these are words I needed to hear.

Choose Poverty

 Spending time in Africa, you learn to question what you really need. What you could live without. Living out of a suitcase can do that to you. I'm not saying this is for everyone, or that everyone needs to be this extreme, but this is an interesting read. It made me think.

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/photo/what-choosing-poverty-looks-n75796

What Matters

Spring has finally arrived in the northeast. After a very cold winter, the coldest in 30 years!, that dragged on and on, warm temperatures have finally come to stay. They pave the way for lush green growth and promise of a new season. Easy restful nights and fulfilling busy days. It would be easy to assume that this phase of life was just right. Everything it should be.

Of course that isn't true. There are a million mistakes and missteps along the way. Inconsiderate words, hurt feelings and short tempers. Fears that overwhelm a weak faith. So many missteps.

I love resolutions. If you know me, I'm always giving up something. Sugar (because my sweet tooth will rage out of control if allowed. or because gluttony is a sin. pick whichever you prefer.) Pop/Soda/Cola/Carbonated Beverage/Other term of choice (because of said sweet tooth and many other reasons.) Television (because if I watch too much I become convinced that I exhibit every symptom ever referenced in any PSA or pharmaceutical advertisement.) If you know me, you also know I'm a pro at going cold-turkey. Make up your mind, make a plan and make it happen. Lifestyle choices, at least in all forms of consumption, are easy for me to tackle. Resolutions about other things? Not so much. I didn't really make resolutions this year. At least not in the traditional (for me) sense. There is always the unofficial list of things I would like to do better, but really I had a very small list of concrete tasks. To pay down my student loan debt and to face my fears. Four specific fears.

Well, I dragged my feet a little in the beginning. Again, I'm blaming the really cold winter. I am not made to function in those temperatures. If I was not at work, I was essentially in hibernation. For months. Once I could imagine the arrival of spring I became more motivated. Aka I planned an April Fools prank with my coworkers and realized I had wasted the first three months of the year (whoops!) Promptly on April 2nd I said my prayers and got on my way. By April 30th I had faced three of the four fears on my list!

During the month of April I learned a lot about myself. Sometimes I like planning. Okay, nearly all most of the time I think planning is the best option. Spontaneous adventures? Sign me up! Ignore the facts and hope they'll work out by themselves? Not so much... I like to think (or imagine) that I'm a pretty cool, rational person about a lot of things. I know if I ignore certain things my worry will become overwhelming. Molehills will turn into mountains. Small worries will turn into all-encompassing fears. I guess this all boils down to the fact that I'd rather be proactive than reactive. When I'm not proactive, and when the molehills have turned into mountains, I've found out that I am braver than I know. Some of my best friends have a small idea of this because I asked them to pray for me. What they don't know is just how many prayers I said for myself, how I was holding onto my fear. Praying to see God's purpose regardless of the outcome. Praying, praying, praying. I began to feel guilty. Were my prayers too self-centered? Were my prayers too late? Would I pray with such conviction under different circumstances? So many questions. And when fear #2 was all but conquered, when I knew in my heart that it was over, my head still wanted to see the facts. As if the facts could be any more plain than God's hand in my life. I found the courage to face my fears, but my spirit is so weak. One day I hope my faith in God will be stronger than my fear, but until then I'm on life support in the intensive care unit. I want to live like Paul and the apostles. To put Christ first and foremost, regardless of the cost, but am I willing to bear the burden? Especially when I hear the opinions of other people louder than anything else. I can know what someone has said, and that they were not in the right mind when they said it, but I will hold on to those words so tightly. I won't release them and I will focus on them. The longer I think about them, the deeper they wound me. I wish I could hold onto the words of Jesus with such determination. I am my own stumbling block and my own worst enemy. A few weeks ago the ladies Bible study I attend discussed the flesh. In Holiness Author Mark Rutland writes: "We often labor under the misguided notion that Satan wants us to do his will. Satan has no will in our lives. He only wants us to do our will. We have met the enemy, and he is us." Wow! I continue to be struck by the truth of those words. I could easily list off things that I have been meaning to do for various reasons. That I have been thinking about doing for months in some cases. Yet I still haven't done them because of the 'what ifs' and other questions. They are the fears I should face next, so that I can take my trust out of this world and put it in the next.

It is so easy to become distracted here. People talk about buying this and that, how it will improve their life. How it will meet their needs. It is so easy to believe the lie. That the perfect house/car/job/husband will meet all of my wants and needs. Forgetting that God has already provided for all of my needs. Believing that money and possessions will make my life. Forgetting that my life on earth is just a blip in the scheme of things, and that it will pale in comparison to my life in heaven. It is so easy to get caught up in self. I forget what really matters. I need to remember what really matters. That I must decrease so He must increase (John 3:30) It's so funny unfortunate, I am very purposeful when it comes to the debts of this world. I get my paycheck, take out my tithe and pay my bills. I systematically pay them to minimize interest and maximize my dollar, to pay them down sooner - so I don't invest more than I have to unnecessarily. I am so meticulous and intelligent about my bills, but so careless about the 'interest' accruing in my life. The distractions I allow to persist. The excess that could easily be trimmed. The stuff that does not matter.

I miss the days I spent in Africa. When an empty, undecorated room held everything I needed and nothing more. I was perfectly content with what little I had. My life was full, not because of things, but with relationships and love. The things that matter most.

A sidenote that has no other relevance to this post: One thing I can say is that I am learning to love in action. I'm not saying I'm good at it. I probably make mistakes all the time. But, for the first time, I am putting the needs of another ahead of myself. When it makes me impatient and crazy, I am learning to be patient and compassionate. I am learning.

Lent and 40 Days

This year for Lent I decided to give up sweets. I thought it would be a good idea.

Reason #1. I have a major sweet tooth.
Reason #2. I have a major sweet tooth.
Reason #3. Lent is supposed to be an exercise of sacrifice to remind us of the sacrifices Jesus made for us.

Well, I don't know if anything magical has happened yet.
To be completely honest, I am wondering if it was a waste to attempt giving up sweets in this season.
If I should be focusing more on what I need to do, and not what I need to not do.
If I'm losing the reason for the season by focusing my thoughts on something that is ultimately so inconsequential. I won't have anything to show for it. I might not cause people to give a second thought.
I haven't experienced any major revelations yet...
...but I'm going to keep on keeping on for the next month...



In other news, we're in the middle of the 40 Days of Prayer!
But don't worry, if you missed it you still have time to get involved!

Here you can see George speak on the importance of this project:





And here you can get a copy of our prayer outline:

http://www.handsatwork.org/storage/newsletters/2014/nl02-14/40DaysofPrayer_2014.pdf



The 40 Days of Prayer are really a very special time. I experienced them last year on Africa soil: I was in South Africa for kick off and in Zambia for the 2nd half. You learn so much about people when you pray with them. There are amazing, intangible lessons you might not even be aware of at the time. When I think back on the prayers at lunch time in the chapel in South Africa in contrast with the early morning prayers in the Service Center in Kitwe, the memories are so different and yet so uniformly important. This year, being on American soil and separated from the other Hands Advocates by distance, it is amazing to feel united through technology. Sharing our prayers and reflections to each other. We are slowly knitting ourselves together as the family God hoped we would become.

Winter is drawing to a close and spring is hovering on the horizon.
It's a new year with fresh possibilities and challenges. Recently, I've been thinking about money. Not in the obsessive, all consuming way. In the general way when things just come to mind. I'm not one of those people who has a favorite vice. I go through phases. Sometimes it's gummy candy, sometimes it's chocolate, or baked goods or ice cream. Before lent, ice cream was the big ticket. (Which is weird, because it was freezing! but nevertheless...) So I just kept thinking: if I go to the store and buy Ben and Jerry's ice cream, it is $3.88 for one container. (See that? I didn't even need to look that price up! That is the recent state of my relationship with Ben and Jerry's!) If I eat a little over one container a week, say five containers in a month that is $19.40 and that is enough to support one child for a month! I'm not an obsessive ice cream consumer, but if I get on an ice cream kick I could easily spend $20/month on ice cream. I love ice cream but, as previously stated, I need to reign in my sweet tooth and I need to recognize the needs of others as swiftly as I recognize the wants of myself. Ice cream is great, but it is gone in a matter of minutes. Support for our kids in Africa could change their lives forever.

I'll still indulge my sweet tooth, but I'll do it after filling a need for someone else.
Maybe instead of reigning in my sweet tooth, I need to unleash generosity on others.
Like George said, we need to saturate our lives with prayer. They will transform us, and our world.
Maybe one day I'll have such a generous heart that I'll be sweet even without my sweet tooth.

Landslide

I was driving home from work today and  Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide' came on the radio.





Friday night in the dark and dreary cold of winter but to me it was as if the clouds had parted and the sun was shining bright. It was a moment. One of those moments where everything falls into place exactly as it should and things just click. But let me backtrack for minute...

After leaving my home church, the shock-waves in my life began to settle. I began to dig in to my new normal. New church, new Sunday school class, new ladies Bible study, and a new home group. I also have had the immense privilege to get to know possibly the cutest couple known to mankind: they are not only Christians with an amazing gift of hospitality, but they have amazing love for Jesus Christ and His work in their lives! With new relationships being formed all the time, and relationships with friends from home and friends in Africa getting stronger, I feel stronger. I'm finally breathing again. Not the shallow, sharp breaths I would draw throughout those weeks when it was all I could do to get by, but deep, full breaths that fill you entirely and make everything feel new. Fresh. The best kind of breaths. But when you begin to feel strengthened within the Lord, He reminds you to let go of lingering dead weight.

Last entry I likened myself to a clay pot that is being reformed all the time; today I feel like a rock climber. I have trained for the task and I have an idea of what I might be capable of. I know my goal and the endurance it will require. I am excited at the challenges that lie ahead, yet I am stuck. Paralyzed by the deadweight that remains in my pack. I long to move forward, but it longs to hold me back.

I am constantly surrounded by two worlds. I have all the physical reminders of my past life. The safe, comfortable life. Favorite books, programs for events I have attended, school notes and other 'useful' items. Some items I have let go; others I am not ready to let go of. Others still, I feel obligated to keep. Because they were gifts, because I could/should/would use them or, worse still, because I am expected to use them. These things are juxtaposed with my other world: my African world. Things tangible and intangible alike. With my awareness that my possessions do not ensure or enhance my life, and that they unremarkable and replaceable. Empty things that remain in contrast with my irreplaceable friendships. I have been blessed with friends who have seen my ugliest parts and yet still see the hand of God in my life. Friends who remind me to stop looking at the darkness in the valley and instead look for the light over the hills. Friends who make me appreciate their friendship and inspire me to be a better friend. I am truly blessed.

So here I sit. Literally. If you really know me, you know I spend 90% of my free time sitting on the floor, but moving on... I sit surrounded by the things I should do, reminders of a life everyone always assumed I would live. Things that have weight, and it's a heavy weight. The weight of missed opportunities, unmet expectations and constantly falling short. The truth is that I still find some sense of identity in these items, and, whether or not I want to admit it, they also play into my perception of self worth. I went from being a super involved kid in high school to being a hardworking college student. At one point I was working three part time jobs and taking a full class schedule. After graduation, one of my part time jobs turned into a full time job. I never missed a beat and never took a break. Never taking a break meant never taking the time to examine my perception of self, identity and self worth. After spending time in Africa, I see my room full of things that don't add value to my life and do not actually implicate my self worth in anyway - even if I once thought they did.

These feelings, like these physical possessions, keep me stuck. They urge me forward, but without kinetic energy to get things moving, I remain transfixed. But I still hear the call, and have the desire to answer. From Marc Damour's post on the Hands at Work page, to ladies Bible study where we just read chapter 3 of Having a Mary Spirit by Joanna Weaver - a chapter that is all about our battle against the flesh, and finally to moving forward within Hands US and the Communications team in South Africa with the hope of intentionally telling our story and effectively sharing the heart of Hands within the US... Then the lyrics of Stevie Nicks hit me like a speeding train:

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
 'Cause I've built my life around you
 But time makes you bolder
 Even children get older
 And I'm getting older too"

That line. ''Cause I've built my life around you.' What a heavy thing. Only I am the 'you'. I have built a life around myself. It's like ice that melts into water. The molecules are actually further apart when they are frozen, but when they are liquid the molecules become more compact. My comfortable life has compacted; the molecules in my identity are so close-knit that there is barely any room for God to move in my life. In order to keep my current situation intact, because it is comfortable and it is what I know, I have been holding onto things. Desperately clinging to two worlds, while I am on the verge of ripping apart. It is impossible to hold onto two worlds. Useful things are not useful if they are not used. Most importantly, I cannot hang on to the person I was while I am striving to become the person God intends me to be. If I try to keep my life intact as it currently is, I will never make it to the top of the climb. The weight will simply be too much to bear. (I honestly wasn't suave enough to plan the Landslide lyrics reference coinciding with my rock climbing reference - that was either inspired writing or a happy accident! so don't give me the credit, but I must say it is a nice touch!) I cannot be afraid of change, I must welcome and embrace it, trusting in God all the while. After all, I have let go of so much and it has been worth every moment of indecision and strife. All the tears and heartbreak have been justified by His holy name. And, like the song says, I am getting bolder. Overcoming the challenges and feeling stronger on the other side has made me bold about my faith and willing to share how God is working in my life. Through all the exciting changes and challenges, one thing is clear:

"He must increase, but I must decrease.”

John 3:30 [ HCSB]

I have tomorrow off, it is thankfully a quiet Saturday, I have no formal plans and I am optimistic that I will be able to  at least climb a few steps higher on the rock. Denying another piece of myself to make room for growth in Christ.

Fleetwood Mac. "Landslide." Fleetwood Mac. Reprise, 1975.

One.

At this time last year I was on African soil, getting settled in at the Village.

After two days of travel, I had been picked up at the airport by Marj and George. I had a chance to get settled in my room and take a shower before Marj offered me lunch and a walk around the HUB to see where everything is. This may or may not have been an incentive to keep me awake and my jet lag at bay ;-)

I remember being on sensory overload, going through the motions of putting my things away in my new home. I remember relishing the water in the shower after two+ days of travel. I remember my prayers. My fervent, urgent prayers. Prayers that included my immediate feelings of culture shock to wrestling with God's direction for my life. A year later, my life is essentially exactly the same. (Minus the temperature difference!)

Today, despite being in my home, I feel I am living life as a visitor. An outsider.

Today I am cleaning out my closet. Technically it's mostly cleaned out and I just have to wash and box things for charity. I went shopping last night. It was the first time in a long time. I don't relish the idea of spending money on clothes, but I had clothes I wasn't wearing that I just didn't want to part with. I'm not sure why honestly, it was various sentimental reasons I suppose. When I brought home my haul (total of 7 items) it was easy to let go of the pile I had discarded. Out with the old, the unworn and unusued, and in with the new. I'm also letting go of another pile of books. I'm a visitor in my former life. I'm not the same, and my life isn't either. Holding on to things for the next ten years won't make a difference. So I am packing up my old life to make room for my new life. New responsibilities at work, a new church family, a new women's Bible study (yes!!!), and a new heart.

These last two months have been tough. They have been painful and they have been worth it! If our lives are as lumps of clay on a potter's wheel where God is the potter, I am really being reshaped! I took ceramics in college. I was horrible at it, especially the potter's wheel unit! I remember the concepts, the intentions and the tools. If I'm a clay pot, I'm not really sure what I looked like two months ago... but I know what the process felt like. For one month, mid-November thru mid-December, it felt like He used a wire clay cutter to cut the excess away. It was painful, the act of letting go. Then He began to reshape what was left with a wooden rib. He really applied pressure so that I could be formed into something stronger. Something I wasn't sure I could be. This week He is cleaning out the inside. He is taking the rib up and down the inside of the vessel, of my heart, to get rid of anything that shouldn't be there and reshape what is left.

So today I let go of things that shouldn't still be here, and make room for what could be here. Remembering lessons that I've learned in Africa and that I am continuing to learn here at home.

A Different Kindof Year and A Different Kindof Post

So, some of you, and by 'you' I mean all the Americans out there who happen to be residing in western Pennsylvania, might have heard a rumor. Except it's only a rumor if it's not true... always getting caught up in technicalities. But I digress...

My home church, where I have gone my entire life, is officially no longer my home.

That doesn't mean I don't love and care about all of you.
That doesn't mean that I hate you, or wish you any ill-will.

It means God is doing things in my life.
It means that I've been called to unfamiliar territory and new adventures.
It means that I've finally listened.

This has been something I have wrestled with for quiet some time.
I was content to keep wrestling.
Until I found something more important to wrestle with.

I'm the same as you, but I've experienced difference experiences.
I've been dealt a different hand.
I don't know if I will ever get married or have my own biological children.

And I don't care.
Afterall, I already have over 100 children of my own.

Children that are growing, that need new clothes, and want a cellphone.
A cellphone that doesn't work, just so they can play with it and pretend.
Children that have so much energy I want to pull out my hair,
all while making me smile and see the world through new eyes.

Children that have experienced terrible things. Death, loss, heartache and hunger.
Children that have been forgotten.

I would gladly give my life if it meant that these children would be remembered.
That someone would care enough to put the needs of these children ahead of their own wants.

I've been called to a new season, and a new church.
A church I hope will help me grow in my faith, and help me be a better advocate for my kids.
If I don't share my stories, how will anyone know them?
How will anyone love them?

"Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: 

to look after orphans and widows in their distress 

and to keep oneself unstained by the world." 

-James 1:27[HCSB]

'Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, 

for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."'

  -Matthew 19:14[NIV]

God has radically changed my life in these past twelve months.

I hate to say that, because I feel like that has become such a cliche - but, alas, it is true.

My world has been rocked in areas that I didn't even realize was possible.

So far I'm rolling with the punches. Adapting and growing.

I'm ready for a new phase and new adventures. New friends and new challenges.

Thankfully I have found a church that will make me feel more 'at home.'

Almost like being in Africa, just on the wrong side of the pond.

I am always missing Africa.

Always waiting for the day that I will be called back.

My heart is missing a huge piece...

But I still have a heart! And you're in it!

Whether we talk often or rarely, I probably think of you more often than it would seem

and admire you more often than you realize.

I'll be praying for all of the good things I know God has planned for your lives.

I hope you will do the same.

The Great Movie Debate

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;

old things have passed away, and look, new things have come."

-2 Corinthians 5:17

On Black Friday I had been ordering some movies for my nephews.  I had asked what they wanted for Christmas and there weren't too many things. Not on the list that was passed onto me, anyway. So I wanted to get them a few movies that I knew they wanted and would enjoy. Of course there was also a significant sale, being Black Friday, so I ordered a few titles I wanted but might not have bought otherwise. 

One of the movies was something I had seen. Years ago, maybe even a decade. At the time I watched it with my Sunday School class at Church. There was discussion of the overall themes of the movie. About how we respond to and treat others, how we deal with situations beyond our control, and always holding onto hope. When I was in Africa I remember two people talking about it, and how they thought it was a great movie. These inspecific, fleeting memories were all I had to associate with the movie so I bought it, hoping for the best. I hoped in vain.

I won't go as far to say that it's a bad movie. The movie itself was well done. It had the ideal casting of characters, amazing camera work, and it just came together well. But inspite of myself, due to the language and sexual content, I couldn't appreciate the movie as entertainment. It didn't make me feel good. Not that 'feel good' is the goal but this movie was one that left me with a pit in my stomach and certainly not feeling entertaied. I was so displeased with the movie that even the overall positives themes were lost in the wake of my gut reaction. I know, I know. There are things in life that are bad; they happen and sometimes they happen to good people. Terrible things happen - but I can watch the news or listen to the circumstances of people I have met. I don't need to watch a fictional movie to see terrible things in a larger than life, glorified way. This is really a matter of personal preference. I feel a conviction to be more mindful of the things I watch, read, or listen to. Sometimes it is so easy to become overly absorbed in this temporal world. I want to set my focus on other things. On helping others, and always on remembering that this is not my home. 

I've been thinking a lot about 2 Corinthians Chapter 5[HCSB]:

Our Future after Death

For we know that if our temporary, earthly dwelling is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal dwelling in the heavens, not made with hands. ² Indeed, we groan in this body, desiring to put on our dwelling from heaven, ³ since, when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. ⁴ Indeed, we groan while we are in this tent, burdened as we are, because we do not want to be unclothed but clothed, so that mortality may be swallowed up by life. ⁵ And the One who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave us the Spirit as a down payment.
⁶ So, we are always confident and know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷ For we walk by faith, not by sight, ⁸ and we are confident and satisfied to be out of the body and at home with the Lord. ⁹ Therefore, whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to be pleasing to Him. ¹⁰ For we must all appear before the tribunal of Christ, so that each may be repaid for what he has done in the body, whether good or worthless.
¹¹ Therefore, because we know the fear of the Lord, we seek to persuade people. We are completely open before God, and I hope we are completely open to your consciences as well. ¹² We are not commending ourselves to you again, but giving you an opportunity to be proud of us, so that you may have a reply for those who take pride in the outward appearance rather than in the heart. ¹³ For if we are out of our mind, it is for God; if we have a sound mind, it is for you. ¹⁴ For Christ’s love compels us, since we have reached this conclusion: If One died for all, then all died. ¹⁵ And He died for all so that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for the One who died for them and was raised.

The Ministry of Reconciliation

¹⁶ From now on, then, we do not know anyone in a purely human way. Even if we have known Christ in a purely human way, yet now we no longer know Him in this way. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come. ¹⁸ Everything is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ That is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed the message of reconciliation to us. ²⁰ Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, certain that God is appealing through us. We plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.” ²¹ He made the One who did not know sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

Again, this post might not be for everyone. Maybe not now, maybe not ever. But it is based on a thought that has settled in my heart, nagging me until I pay it proper attention. I'll draw attention to verse 20, it says: Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, certain that God is appealing through us. We plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.”

That, to me, is huge. "Be reconciled to God." So what exactly does that mean? I like to know exactly what I'm signing up for, or what the specific expectations might be. You can find what Merriam-Webster says here or what the Oxford Dictionary says here. Personally, I prefer the wording of the Oxford Dictionary in this case.

Two points that stuck out to me are 1) the point is to be in agreement 2) even when you don't want to be. That is huge. In our lives, so often it seems that our world is made up of water and our relationship with God is made up of oil. Oil and water do not mix. They are not compatible. We try and try to saturate our lives with God, but so quickly we lose the goodness of God. The moment we stop being diligent it slips away, pushed out by the water of the world. Of course, as any salad-lover knows, an emulsifier can solve this problem with ease. Like egg yolks, lemon juice, or mustard. Or in this case, the Holy Spirit. 

Still with me? Sorry about the massive tangent, I'm an abstract random learner so sometimes I must admit it seems to take forever for me to get where I'm going...sheesh! The point of this particular tale is that I have made so many changes in the last year. Some I saw coming, some came out of the proverbial 'nowhere.' This year I want to welcome them all and embrace the process, clinging to where the Holy Spirit might move me. Exciting things are happening in my life! When it comes to the bits about 'just me', first and foremost, I will be putting the rest of my DVD collection to the test. See? You made it, it happened: we're back to square one!