What Matters

Spring has finally arrived in the northeast. After a very cold winter, the coldest in 30 years!, that dragged on and on, warm temperatures have finally come to stay. They pave the way for lush green growth and promise of a new season. Easy restful nights and fulfilling busy days. It would be easy to assume that this phase of life was just right. Everything it should be.

Of course that isn't true. There are a million mistakes and missteps along the way. Inconsiderate words, hurt feelings and short tempers. Fears that overwhelm a weak faith. So many missteps.

I love resolutions. If you know me, I'm always giving up something. Sugar (because my sweet tooth will rage out of control if allowed. or because gluttony is a sin. pick whichever you prefer.) Pop/Soda/Cola/Carbonated Beverage/Other term of choice (because of said sweet tooth and many other reasons.) Television (because if I watch too much I become convinced that I exhibit every symptom ever referenced in any PSA or pharmaceutical advertisement.) If you know me, you also know I'm a pro at going cold-turkey. Make up your mind, make a plan and make it happen. Lifestyle choices, at least in all forms of consumption, are easy for me to tackle. Resolutions about other things? Not so much. I didn't really make resolutions this year. At least not in the traditional (for me) sense. There is always the unofficial list of things I would like to do better, but really I had a very small list of concrete tasks. To pay down my student loan debt and to face my fears. Four specific fears.

Well, I dragged my feet a little in the beginning. Again, I'm blaming the really cold winter. I am not made to function in those temperatures. If I was not at work, I was essentially in hibernation. For months. Once I could imagine the arrival of spring I became more motivated. Aka I planned an April Fools prank with my coworkers and realized I had wasted the first three months of the year (whoops!) Promptly on April 2nd I said my prayers and got on my way. By April 30th I had faced three of the four fears on my list!

During the month of April I learned a lot about myself. Sometimes I like planning. Okay, nearly all most of the time I think planning is the best option. Spontaneous adventures? Sign me up! Ignore the facts and hope they'll work out by themselves? Not so much... I like to think (or imagine) that I'm a pretty cool, rational person about a lot of things. I know if I ignore certain things my worry will become overwhelming. Molehills will turn into mountains. Small worries will turn into all-encompassing fears. I guess this all boils down to the fact that I'd rather be proactive than reactive. When I'm not proactive, and when the molehills have turned into mountains, I've found out that I am braver than I know. Some of my best friends have a small idea of this because I asked them to pray for me. What they don't know is just how many prayers I said for myself, how I was holding onto my fear. Praying to see God's purpose regardless of the outcome. Praying, praying, praying. I began to feel guilty. Were my prayers too self-centered? Were my prayers too late? Would I pray with such conviction under different circumstances? So many questions. And when fear #2 was all but conquered, when I knew in my heart that it was over, my head still wanted to see the facts. As if the facts could be any more plain than God's hand in my life. I found the courage to face my fears, but my spirit is so weak. One day I hope my faith in God will be stronger than my fear, but until then I'm on life support in the intensive care unit. I want to live like Paul and the apostles. To put Christ first and foremost, regardless of the cost, but am I willing to bear the burden? Especially when I hear the opinions of other people louder than anything else. I can know what someone has said, and that they were not in the right mind when they said it, but I will hold on to those words so tightly. I won't release them and I will focus on them. The longer I think about them, the deeper they wound me. I wish I could hold onto the words of Jesus with such determination. I am my own stumbling block and my own worst enemy. A few weeks ago the ladies Bible study I attend discussed the flesh. In Holiness Author Mark Rutland writes: "We often labor under the misguided notion that Satan wants us to do his will. Satan has no will in our lives. He only wants us to do our will. We have met the enemy, and he is us." Wow! I continue to be struck by the truth of those words. I could easily list off things that I have been meaning to do for various reasons. That I have been thinking about doing for months in some cases. Yet I still haven't done them because of the 'what ifs' and other questions. They are the fears I should face next, so that I can take my trust out of this world and put it in the next.

It is so easy to become distracted here. People talk about buying this and that, how it will improve their life. How it will meet their needs. It is so easy to believe the lie. That the perfect house/car/job/husband will meet all of my wants and needs. Forgetting that God has already provided for all of my needs. Believing that money and possessions will make my life. Forgetting that my life on earth is just a blip in the scheme of things, and that it will pale in comparison to my life in heaven. It is so easy to get caught up in self. I forget what really matters. I need to remember what really matters. That I must decrease so He must increase (John 3:30) It's so funny unfortunate, I am very purposeful when it comes to the debts of this world. I get my paycheck, take out my tithe and pay my bills. I systematically pay them to minimize interest and maximize my dollar, to pay them down sooner - so I don't invest more than I have to unnecessarily. I am so meticulous and intelligent about my bills, but so careless about the 'interest' accruing in my life. The distractions I allow to persist. The excess that could easily be trimmed. The stuff that does not matter.

I miss the days I spent in Africa. When an empty, undecorated room held everything I needed and nothing more. I was perfectly content with what little I had. My life was full, not because of things, but with relationships and love. The things that matter most.

A sidenote that has no other relevance to this post: One thing I can say is that I am learning to love in action. I'm not saying I'm good at it. I probably make mistakes all the time. But, for the first time, I am putting the needs of another ahead of myself. When it makes me impatient and crazy, I am learning to be patient and compassionate. I am learning.