Doubt and Thanks

It has been 18 days since I left home. I got into two different cars, and onto three different planes. I traveled over 8,000 miles. Since I have been here I have traveled even further. Out of my comfort zone and into vulnerable communities. It's been 18 days, but it feels like a lifetime. At certain points, I feel like I have been here so much longer. Other times, I feel as if I just walked off the tarmac. It's only been 18 days, but I don't know that girl anymore.

Since I have been here, I have been cared for, looked after, accepted and loved. I have been listened to and encouraged. I have had moments of panic and worry, questions about logistics and unmatched expectations. I have been terrified, and I have been fearless. I have been radically challenged and empowered. I have been questioned and held accountable. I have been inspired. I have taken risks that pushed me out of my comfort zone. I have been prayerful and cognizant. I have examined and evaluated. I have allowed my life to be affected by everything I have experienced here. I have been called to an intake, full of friendship and so much energy, and the Hands family community, which embraces love above everything, because of and in spite of the diversity here. I have been more honest, open, and truthful. I have been considerate and purposefully kind. But looking back over the last 18 days, I realize it hasn't all been pretty. I have been careless, and harsh. I have had moments of isolation, where I have been closed off and cold. I have asked questions I had no right to ask. I have questioned situations beyond my control, that I had not right to critique in the first place. I have felt apologetic and guilty in situations where it was found to be unnecessary. I have also laughed more, sang more, and been more vocal, obnoxious or otherwise, these last two weeks than I have been in a long time. Ultimately, I have been much happier here than I have been in a long time.

About a month before I came here, a friend from Church posted this quote on facebook:

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up relationships."

Additionally, another good friend from Church gave me a devotional book before I left home. Today's verse is Ephesians 6:10:

"Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power."

The devotional goes on to encourage us to draw near to Christ instead of drawing near to our fears and worries. The first friend I mentioned also posted this gem:

"Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that has yet to come."

I want to thank everyone here for the impacts they have had, knowingly or otherwise, on my life these past two weeks. I'll start off with my intake: I want to thank Mel, Dave, Alicia, Russell, Joe, Mariah, and Leyton: for listening to my never-ending babble, for really listening and questioning, for providing insight and context and answers. For helping me put the puzzle together when I've been looking at the pieces all wrong, and for not thinking less of me while I struggle to figure it out. I want to thank Alicia for putting up with all my crazy hi-jinx. A side effect of being continually challenged to let go of my comfort zone, is that I get loonier by the day! I have laughed so, so much - in situations that aren't even legitimately funny (this also happens to be an African trait so at least I'm on the right continent!) Alicia has let me embrace it, enabled me to begin some really bad sing-a-longs (sorry to everyone else, haha) and asked hard questions without becoming judgmental. And for thinking I'm cool despite the fact that I wake up at the crack of dawn every morning and inevitably disrupt your sleep. I want to thank Dave, Russell, Joe and Leyton for listening to me babble about whatever stupid thing I'm ranting about in the moment. For still listening and talking to me, despite the fact that you know I watch The Bachelor and listen to Hanson, because I know those two elements are outside your normal realm. Except for Leyton! (just kidding!) I want to thank Mel for being Mel. For being calm and collected, and for understanding life here in a context I have yet to really wrap my head around. I want to especially thank Mel for being friendly and gracious in the moments when I haven't made it easy. The moments where I was preoccupied, closed-off, and tired. I'll try to be better, much better in the future.
PS: I should also thank everyone here for allowing me to mimic their vocabulary and accents at any given time. I apologize for butchering any cultural norms, but will probably continue to do so. My hometown is just not this verse in terms of dialect and vocabulary, and being here, living amidst all of this diversity, makes it all the more entertaining

Everyone else at Hands: I want to thank Ashley for having the ability to really listen when I needed to be heard, and for having the right words at the right time. You are such a kind soul that radiates joy in a way that everyone can't help but notice. I want to thank Daytona for listening to my babble along with the other guys, and encouraging my American quirks even when they earn me an eyebrow raise. I want to thank George and Marj for picking me up at the airport, for making me a meal and keeping me awake after I landed, and for being like my parents since I've been here. For Alicia Ralph speaking brutally honest words that pave the way for beauty. For Sophie making us all pancakes. For Chris's humor and unmatched skills as a minstrel. There are so many reasons so many people here deserve thanks, I can't begin to process them all...but know that I am genuinely thankful for you!

Everyone else back home: I want to thank Adrienne, Chelsie, and Kari: you have all listened, questioned, comforted, and advised me throughout the whirl-wind of these last two weeks. Having people who I have known for years, who continue to keep me accountable, and who just 'know' me - what I'm saying, why I'm saying it, and where I'm coming from - is immensely helpful and grounding. You all know the last week has been especially rough, and I cannot express the sense of gratitude I have for you, because you all saw my faults and loved me regardless. For Alan and Erin: for just being kind, providing advice, and loving me through it all, despite knowing situations in different context. And for trusting me to make the right decision, in spite of a history of questionably impulsive behavior. And last but not least, for my Parents: For the questions and concerns you raised to try to understand what we do here and why I wanted to come so badly. For all the help with my fundraisers and telling everyone and anyone you know about my dream for Africa. And for letting me come here, and accepting that I'm not afraid, despite of how much it scared you. Thank you, I love you!