My Dad; A Truck and A Chicken

It has been a whirlwind summer. Literally, and not in an enjoyable way. That might be putting it mildly. It was more like a hurricane. On July 10th my dad died of a massive heart attack. The extended Hands family was amazing, and I was flooded with messages and emails of prayers and well wishes from literally all over the world. What a blessing! There were many I did not respond to, but I did read every single one - they were a light in those very dark days!

I remember at some point after my father's death, I was driving and I got into the traffic pattern behind a large truck. It was carrying Tru Moo if you're curious. It was really quite large, and it blocked any view of the traffic lights. I was unable to see anything in front of me! For the duration of the drive, I simply moved forward in faith. Trusting that the truck was obeying traffic laws and that I would also be obeying laws by following it. That I wouldn't run any lights, or get into any accidents because I couldn't see where I was going - I could only see the truck! I remember thinking at the time how that was the example of my life at that very moment. Dealing with grief and facing the unknown, I could not see the destination that lay ahead. I could only see the  most immediate things at hand. My life was following the proverbial truck.

A few weeks following my father's death, I was taking care of a friend's chickens. They all stay in a coop and fenced in yard. All except for two hens. Somehow they were resourceful enough to find a way to jailbreak the fence. For the first half of my watch they were on their best behavior and staying cooped up with the other chickens, but later they became restless. One night I was walking to the chicken coop after dark, to make sure everyone was in and ready for bed. As I got closer I saw something odd on the grape arbor. When I was even closer, I realized it was two hens! They had escaped their safe environment to explore the unbeaten path, so to speak. I imagine they spent hours enjoying their freedom and foraging in the extensive backyard. But in the evening they went to the grape arbor to wait for me to return them to the coop with the others and give them a snack before bed. This routine went on for the rest of my watch. Every evening I would walk to the coop to make sure everyone was accounted for, and the two hens would be hiding together on the grape arbor waiting for me. One night I even initially walked past them and they began clucking and making a fuss as to get my attention. I thought they were foolish for getting out, but intelligent for coming back. We are so like those chickens though! We know what we are allowed to do, where we are allowed to go, and how we should be acting, but what lies on the other side of the fence seems so much better! And God is the ultimate, always patient care-taker. He is always there waiting for us to come back from our adventures, even when we've done things we shouldn't have or gone to places we shouldn't have been. What a blessing to know that!

Mind. Blown.

In the hustle and bustle of life, with everyone asking where I'm going and what I'm doing; where most people are doing their darndest to 'keep up with the Joneses', these are words I needed to hear.

Choose Poverty

 Spending time in Africa, you learn to question what you really need. What you could live without. Living out of a suitcase can do that to you. I'm not saying this is for everyone, or that everyone needs to be this extreme, but this is an interesting read. It made me think.

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/photo/what-choosing-poverty-looks-n75796

What Matters

Spring has finally arrived in the northeast. After a very cold winter, the coldest in 30 years!, that dragged on and on, warm temperatures have finally come to stay. They pave the way for lush green growth and promise of a new season. Easy restful nights and fulfilling busy days. It would be easy to assume that this phase of life was just right. Everything it should be.

Of course that isn't true. There are a million mistakes and missteps along the way. Inconsiderate words, hurt feelings and short tempers. Fears that overwhelm a weak faith. So many missteps.

I love resolutions. If you know me, I'm always giving up something. Sugar (because my sweet tooth will rage out of control if allowed. or because gluttony is a sin. pick whichever you prefer.) Pop/Soda/Cola/Carbonated Beverage/Other term of choice (because of said sweet tooth and many other reasons.) Television (because if I watch too much I become convinced that I exhibit every symptom ever referenced in any PSA or pharmaceutical advertisement.) If you know me, you also know I'm a pro at going cold-turkey. Make up your mind, make a plan and make it happen. Lifestyle choices, at least in all forms of consumption, are easy for me to tackle. Resolutions about other things? Not so much. I didn't really make resolutions this year. At least not in the traditional (for me) sense. There is always the unofficial list of things I would like to do better, but really I had a very small list of concrete tasks. To pay down my student loan debt and to face my fears. Four specific fears.

Well, I dragged my feet a little in the beginning. Again, I'm blaming the really cold winter. I am not made to function in those temperatures. If I was not at work, I was essentially in hibernation. For months. Once I could imagine the arrival of spring I became more motivated. Aka I planned an April Fools prank with my coworkers and realized I had wasted the first three months of the year (whoops!) Promptly on April 2nd I said my prayers and got on my way. By April 30th I had faced three of the four fears on my list!

During the month of April I learned a lot about myself. Sometimes I like planning. Okay, nearly all most of the time I think planning is the best option. Spontaneous adventures? Sign me up! Ignore the facts and hope they'll work out by themselves? Not so much... I like to think (or imagine) that I'm a pretty cool, rational person about a lot of things. I know if I ignore certain things my worry will become overwhelming. Molehills will turn into mountains. Small worries will turn into all-encompassing fears. I guess this all boils down to the fact that I'd rather be proactive than reactive. When I'm not proactive, and when the molehills have turned into mountains, I've found out that I am braver than I know. Some of my best friends have a small idea of this because I asked them to pray for me. What they don't know is just how many prayers I said for myself, how I was holding onto my fear. Praying to see God's purpose regardless of the outcome. Praying, praying, praying. I began to feel guilty. Were my prayers too self-centered? Were my prayers too late? Would I pray with such conviction under different circumstances? So many questions. And when fear #2 was all but conquered, when I knew in my heart that it was over, my head still wanted to see the facts. As if the facts could be any more plain than God's hand in my life. I found the courage to face my fears, but my spirit is so weak. One day I hope my faith in God will be stronger than my fear, but until then I'm on life support in the intensive care unit. I want to live like Paul and the apostles. To put Christ first and foremost, regardless of the cost, but am I willing to bear the burden? Especially when I hear the opinions of other people louder than anything else. I can know what someone has said, and that they were not in the right mind when they said it, but I will hold on to those words so tightly. I won't release them and I will focus on them. The longer I think about them, the deeper they wound me. I wish I could hold onto the words of Jesus with such determination. I am my own stumbling block and my own worst enemy. A few weeks ago the ladies Bible study I attend discussed the flesh. In Holiness Author Mark Rutland writes: "We often labor under the misguided notion that Satan wants us to do his will. Satan has no will in our lives. He only wants us to do our will. We have met the enemy, and he is us." Wow! I continue to be struck by the truth of those words. I could easily list off things that I have been meaning to do for various reasons. That I have been thinking about doing for months in some cases. Yet I still haven't done them because of the 'what ifs' and other questions. They are the fears I should face next, so that I can take my trust out of this world and put it in the next.

It is so easy to become distracted here. People talk about buying this and that, how it will improve their life. How it will meet their needs. It is so easy to believe the lie. That the perfect house/car/job/husband will meet all of my wants and needs. Forgetting that God has already provided for all of my needs. Believing that money and possessions will make my life. Forgetting that my life on earth is just a blip in the scheme of things, and that it will pale in comparison to my life in heaven. It is so easy to get caught up in self. I forget what really matters. I need to remember what really matters. That I must decrease so He must increase (John 3:30) It's so funny unfortunate, I am very purposeful when it comes to the debts of this world. I get my paycheck, take out my tithe and pay my bills. I systematically pay them to minimize interest and maximize my dollar, to pay them down sooner - so I don't invest more than I have to unnecessarily. I am so meticulous and intelligent about my bills, but so careless about the 'interest' accruing in my life. The distractions I allow to persist. The excess that could easily be trimmed. The stuff that does not matter.

I miss the days I spent in Africa. When an empty, undecorated room held everything I needed and nothing more. I was perfectly content with what little I had. My life was full, not because of things, but with relationships and love. The things that matter most.

A sidenote that has no other relevance to this post: One thing I can say is that I am learning to love in action. I'm not saying I'm good at it. I probably make mistakes all the time. But, for the first time, I am putting the needs of another ahead of myself. When it makes me impatient and crazy, I am learning to be patient and compassionate. I am learning.

Lent and 40 Days

This year for Lent I decided to give up sweets. I thought it would be a good idea.

Reason #1. I have a major sweet tooth.
Reason #2. I have a major sweet tooth.
Reason #3. Lent is supposed to be an exercise of sacrifice to remind us of the sacrifices Jesus made for us.

Well, I don't know if anything magical has happened yet.
To be completely honest, I am wondering if it was a waste to attempt giving up sweets in this season.
If I should be focusing more on what I need to do, and not what I need to not do.
If I'm losing the reason for the season by focusing my thoughts on something that is ultimately so inconsequential. I won't have anything to show for it. I might not cause people to give a second thought.
I haven't experienced any major revelations yet...
...but I'm going to keep on keeping on for the next month...



In other news, we're in the middle of the 40 Days of Prayer!
But don't worry, if you missed it you still have time to get involved!

Here you can see George speak on the importance of this project:





And here you can get a copy of our prayer outline:

http://www.handsatwork.org/storage/newsletters/2014/nl02-14/40DaysofPrayer_2014.pdf



The 40 Days of Prayer are really a very special time. I experienced them last year on Africa soil: I was in South Africa for kick off and in Zambia for the 2nd half. You learn so much about people when you pray with them. There are amazing, intangible lessons you might not even be aware of at the time. When I think back on the prayers at lunch time in the chapel in South Africa in contrast with the early morning prayers in the Service Center in Kitwe, the memories are so different and yet so uniformly important. This year, being on American soil and separated from the other Hands Advocates by distance, it is amazing to feel united through technology. Sharing our prayers and reflections to each other. We are slowly knitting ourselves together as the family God hoped we would become.

Winter is drawing to a close and spring is hovering on the horizon.
It's a new year with fresh possibilities and challenges. Recently, I've been thinking about money. Not in the obsessive, all consuming way. In the general way when things just come to mind. I'm not one of those people who has a favorite vice. I go through phases. Sometimes it's gummy candy, sometimes it's chocolate, or baked goods or ice cream. Before lent, ice cream was the big ticket. (Which is weird, because it was freezing! but nevertheless...) So I just kept thinking: if I go to the store and buy Ben and Jerry's ice cream, it is $3.88 for one container. (See that? I didn't even need to look that price up! That is the recent state of my relationship with Ben and Jerry's!) If I eat a little over one container a week, say five containers in a month that is $19.40 and that is enough to support one child for a month! I'm not an obsessive ice cream consumer, but if I get on an ice cream kick I could easily spend $20/month on ice cream. I love ice cream but, as previously stated, I need to reign in my sweet tooth and I need to recognize the needs of others as swiftly as I recognize the wants of myself. Ice cream is great, but it is gone in a matter of minutes. Support for our kids in Africa could change their lives forever.

I'll still indulge my sweet tooth, but I'll do it after filling a need for someone else.
Maybe instead of reigning in my sweet tooth, I need to unleash generosity on others.
Like George said, we need to saturate our lives with prayer. They will transform us, and our world.
Maybe one day I'll have such a generous heart that I'll be sweet even without my sweet tooth.

Landslide

I was driving home from work today and  Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide' came on the radio.





Friday night in the dark and dreary cold of winter but to me it was as if the clouds had parted and the sun was shining bright. It was a moment. One of those moments where everything falls into place exactly as it should and things just click. But let me backtrack for minute...

After leaving my home church, the shock-waves in my life began to settle. I began to dig in to my new normal. New church, new Sunday school class, new ladies Bible study, and a new home group. I also have had the immense privilege to get to know possibly the cutest couple known to mankind: they are not only Christians with an amazing gift of hospitality, but they have amazing love for Jesus Christ and His work in their lives! With new relationships being formed all the time, and relationships with friends from home and friends in Africa getting stronger, I feel stronger. I'm finally breathing again. Not the shallow, sharp breaths I would draw throughout those weeks when it was all I could do to get by, but deep, full breaths that fill you entirely and make everything feel new. Fresh. The best kind of breaths. But when you begin to feel strengthened within the Lord, He reminds you to let go of lingering dead weight.

Last entry I likened myself to a clay pot that is being reformed all the time; today I feel like a rock climber. I have trained for the task and I have an idea of what I might be capable of. I know my goal and the endurance it will require. I am excited at the challenges that lie ahead, yet I am stuck. Paralyzed by the deadweight that remains in my pack. I long to move forward, but it longs to hold me back.

I am constantly surrounded by two worlds. I have all the physical reminders of my past life. The safe, comfortable life. Favorite books, programs for events I have attended, school notes and other 'useful' items. Some items I have let go; others I am not ready to let go of. Others still, I feel obligated to keep. Because they were gifts, because I could/should/would use them or, worse still, because I am expected to use them. These things are juxtaposed with my other world: my African world. Things tangible and intangible alike. With my awareness that my possessions do not ensure or enhance my life, and that they unremarkable and replaceable. Empty things that remain in contrast with my irreplaceable friendships. I have been blessed with friends who have seen my ugliest parts and yet still see the hand of God in my life. Friends who remind me to stop looking at the darkness in the valley and instead look for the light over the hills. Friends who make me appreciate their friendship and inspire me to be a better friend. I am truly blessed.

So here I sit. Literally. If you really know me, you know I spend 90% of my free time sitting on the floor, but moving on... I sit surrounded by the things I should do, reminders of a life everyone always assumed I would live. Things that have weight, and it's a heavy weight. The weight of missed opportunities, unmet expectations and constantly falling short. The truth is that I still find some sense of identity in these items, and, whether or not I want to admit it, they also play into my perception of self worth. I went from being a super involved kid in high school to being a hardworking college student. At one point I was working three part time jobs and taking a full class schedule. After graduation, one of my part time jobs turned into a full time job. I never missed a beat and never took a break. Never taking a break meant never taking the time to examine my perception of self, identity and self worth. After spending time in Africa, I see my room full of things that don't add value to my life and do not actually implicate my self worth in anyway - even if I once thought they did.

These feelings, like these physical possessions, keep me stuck. They urge me forward, but without kinetic energy to get things moving, I remain transfixed. But I still hear the call, and have the desire to answer. From Marc Damour's post on the Hands at Work page, to ladies Bible study where we just read chapter 3 of Having a Mary Spirit by Joanna Weaver - a chapter that is all about our battle against the flesh, and finally to moving forward within Hands US and the Communications team in South Africa with the hope of intentionally telling our story and effectively sharing the heart of Hands within the US... Then the lyrics of Stevie Nicks hit me like a speeding train:

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
 'Cause I've built my life around you
 But time makes you bolder
 Even children get older
 And I'm getting older too"

That line. ''Cause I've built my life around you.' What a heavy thing. Only I am the 'you'. I have built a life around myself. It's like ice that melts into water. The molecules are actually further apart when they are frozen, but when they are liquid the molecules become more compact. My comfortable life has compacted; the molecules in my identity are so close-knit that there is barely any room for God to move in my life. In order to keep my current situation intact, because it is comfortable and it is what I know, I have been holding onto things. Desperately clinging to two worlds, while I am on the verge of ripping apart. It is impossible to hold onto two worlds. Useful things are not useful if they are not used. Most importantly, I cannot hang on to the person I was while I am striving to become the person God intends me to be. If I try to keep my life intact as it currently is, I will never make it to the top of the climb. The weight will simply be too much to bear. (I honestly wasn't suave enough to plan the Landslide lyrics reference coinciding with my rock climbing reference - that was either inspired writing or a happy accident! so don't give me the credit, but I must say it is a nice touch!) I cannot be afraid of change, I must welcome and embrace it, trusting in God all the while. After all, I have let go of so much and it has been worth every moment of indecision and strife. All the tears and heartbreak have been justified by His holy name. And, like the song says, I am getting bolder. Overcoming the challenges and feeling stronger on the other side has made me bold about my faith and willing to share how God is working in my life. Through all the exciting changes and challenges, one thing is clear:

"He must increase, but I must decrease.”

John 3:30 [ HCSB]

I have tomorrow off, it is thankfully a quiet Saturday, I have no formal plans and I am optimistic that I will be able to  at least climb a few steps higher on the rock. Denying another piece of myself to make room for growth in Christ.

Fleetwood Mac. "Landslide." Fleetwood Mac. Reprise, 1975.

One.

At this time last year I was on African soil, getting settled in at the Village.

After two days of travel, I had been picked up at the airport by Marj and George. I had a chance to get settled in my room and take a shower before Marj offered me lunch and a walk around the HUB to see where everything is. This may or may not have been an incentive to keep me awake and my jet lag at bay ;-)

I remember being on sensory overload, going through the motions of putting my things away in my new home. I remember relishing the water in the shower after two+ days of travel. I remember my prayers. My fervent, urgent prayers. Prayers that included my immediate feelings of culture shock to wrestling with God's direction for my life. A year later, my life is essentially exactly the same. (Minus the temperature difference!)

Today, despite being in my home, I feel I am living life as a visitor. An outsider.

Today I am cleaning out my closet. Technically it's mostly cleaned out and I just have to wash and box things for charity. I went shopping last night. It was the first time in a long time. I don't relish the idea of spending money on clothes, but I had clothes I wasn't wearing that I just didn't want to part with. I'm not sure why honestly, it was various sentimental reasons I suppose. When I brought home my haul (total of 7 items) it was easy to let go of the pile I had discarded. Out with the old, the unworn and unusued, and in with the new. I'm also letting go of another pile of books. I'm a visitor in my former life. I'm not the same, and my life isn't either. Holding on to things for the next ten years won't make a difference. So I am packing up my old life to make room for my new life. New responsibilities at work, a new church family, a new women's Bible study (yes!!!), and a new heart.

These last two months have been tough. They have been painful and they have been worth it! If our lives are as lumps of clay on a potter's wheel where God is the potter, I am really being reshaped! I took ceramics in college. I was horrible at it, especially the potter's wheel unit! I remember the concepts, the intentions and the tools. If I'm a clay pot, I'm not really sure what I looked like two months ago... but I know what the process felt like. For one month, mid-November thru mid-December, it felt like He used a wire clay cutter to cut the excess away. It was painful, the act of letting go. Then He began to reshape what was left with a wooden rib. He really applied pressure so that I could be formed into something stronger. Something I wasn't sure I could be. This week He is cleaning out the inside. He is taking the rib up and down the inside of the vessel, of my heart, to get rid of anything that shouldn't be there and reshape what is left.

So today I let go of things that shouldn't still be here, and make room for what could be here. Remembering lessons that I've learned in Africa and that I am continuing to learn here at home.