I think about all of the changes I have dealt with, and am still dealing with. The acceptance of grace juxtaposed with the feeling of consistent unease. A nagging question. "Where am I called next?" "Why can't I discern where I am being called?"
I have remained on the slow but steady course of letting go of my material possessions. Because I don't need them. Because others do. My sacrifice could be another person's blessing. I must confess that I worry about this. That I talk about Africa and letting go of my possessions too much, like the last line that will play on a broken record. Then it hits me. The words of George:
“My prayer is that God will wreck you this year, that He’ll change you;
so you will not to be able to settle for the things of this world.”
Mission. Accomplished. Or, at least, in process.
Yesterday at work my manager was telling our new employee about decorating our lockers. We had storage lockers for our purses or snacks, etc. My female co-workers are all moms and their lockers are covered in pictures of their kids and families. I've never decorated mine. It had popped into my mind last weekend to take in pictures of "my kids." Kids from our care points in South Africa and Zambia, but then it came back. The voice in my head that says "you talk about Africa too much, and no one here wants to hear it." I confessed this to my manager when it came up, and she assured me that she knows my trip was life changing and that she would love to see pictures of "my kids." (She is not on facebook so she has not seen many at all.)
Last night I took a few moments to pull out my Africa photos. Most are easily accessible, hanging in frames around my room, but I have a few duplicates stored away. I picked four pictures, two from South Africa and two from Zambia, to take in to my locker. And I went on to dig out magnets I had lying around. I will not continue to spend money buying things that I already own. At one point I could have rationalized buying more magnets for my work locker, since I "could" have used those magnets at home. Afterall, I have magnetic boards and frames. I could have, but I haven't and likely won't. It's a very small symptom of an even bigger change of heart. It also reminds me that the people in my life who do not want to hear so much about Africa are dealing with their own struggle. The struggle to not hear because they do not want to care. They want to live out their comfortable American lives, with their only cares centering around their stable careers and what pinterest project to attempt next. It is not easy to live a life that is vulnerable to the will of God. I have experienced the blessings of Africa, but some people only seek the blessings that fit into their status quo life. And it doesn't matter because God loves each of us in this moment, exactly where we are at. That's the wideness of His Grace.
And so I will continue to be open to change, to embrace growth and heartbreak. I will strive to be a bolder advocate for Africa. For those blessings and those lives.
